Cardinals. Panthers. The NFL Playoffs on Fox!
6:03 PM – Fox opens with “Frank’s Picks.” I am so sick of Frank Caliendo. This time he’s “Elton John Madden.” Gag. And he picks the Panthers, of course.
6:16 PM – The Panthers take the opening kickoff to the 50 yard line after some great blocking and lousy open-field tackling.
6:17 PM – Jake Delhomme is playing on his 34th birthday. I know that the Cardinals would love to give him the rest of the season off as a present.
6:18 PM – …and the Cardinals yet again allow FB Hoover to convert a third-and-long on a pass reception. He only caught six during the regular season. On the next play, the Cards give up a 20-yard run to DeAngelo Williams on a cutback.
6:20 PM – On First and Goal from the 9, rookie Jonathan Stewart runs it in for a touchdown. 7-0 Panthers after some shaky-looking defense by the Cardinals.
6:23 PM – Kicker Rhys Lloyd kicks the ball out of bounds, giving the Cards the ball at the 40. What is it with Carolina kickers kicking the ball out of bounds in the postseason? The Cards start with a bomb to Fitzgerald that is overthrown.
6:27 PM – A screen pass to J.J. Arrington fails MISERABLY. Julius Peppers catches him in the backfield for a seven yard loss. The punt ends with a fair catch at the 9.
6:32 PM – The Cardinals’ defense buckles down and forces a three-and-out. Moose Johnston and Tony Siragusa – who should go into a pro wrestling career – are very complimentary of their response. The punt is not very impressive, giving the Cardinals a first-and-ten at their own 40.
6:35 PM – I hate those Growl Towels. How many more teams are going to copy the Steelers’ Terrible Towels?
6:36 PM – On Third and One from their own 49, Warner fakes a toss and throws a bomb to Fitzgerald. On a jump ball in double coverage, Fitzgerald makes ANOTHER SPECTACULAR GRAB! These have become ho-hum for him, but WOW! Forty yard gain! First and ten from the 11! WOW! I just watched the replay twice. Every time it has looked more impressive!
6:39 PM – Third and goal from the three. Why aren’t they running the ball?
6:40 PM – TOUCHDOWN! Warner finds Tim Hightower WIDE OPEN coming out of the backfield into the flat! Neil Rackers adds the extra point to tie it at 7. This is a much better start than the last divisional playoff game the Cards were in ten years ago in Minnesota.
6:41 PM – Amazing. This was the first time this season that the Cardinals scored a first quarter touchdown in the Eastern Time Zone. Anyone else think that stats have become too specific?
6:44 PM – FUMBLE! While dropping back to pass, Jake Delhomme has the ball stripped by Antonio Smith on his own 13, and Smith recovers! Cardinals’ ball!
6:45 PM – Great job on the screen pass by Edgerrin James. He makes a beautiful cutback to get a nine yard gain. Second and one from the four.
6:45 PM, Part Two – TOUCHDOWN! Edge goes straight up the gut untouched to put the Cardinals ahead! After Rackers’ extra point, it’s 14-7. And these guys are nine-and-a-half point underdogs?
6:47 PM – It’s starting to rain. And by the way, the Cardinals have scored 14 points in 56 seconds.
6:49 PM – Now Fox – the Kings of Kicking Dead Horses – shows us an ANIMATED GRAPHIC to hammer home the fact that the Cardinals were 0-5 in the Eastern Time Zone this year.
6:50 PM – This has the makings of a shootout. Antrel Rolle just committed a major pass interference penalty on a deep ball to Steve Smith. 45-yard-penalty, first and ten from the 15.
6:51 PM – The first quarter ends with the Panthers at the Cards’ 13, second and nine, but the Cardinals are ahead 14-7.
6:55 PM – INTERCEPTION! Dominique Rogers-Cromartie – the Cardinals’ first round pick last year – baited Delhomme into an unwise throw, picked it off at the 3, and ran it all the way to the 20.
7:00 PM – After the Cardinals gain another first down at their own 41, Kenny Albert reminds us yet again that this game is in the Eastern Time Zone. Did you know that the Cardinals haven’t played well in the Eastern Time Zone this year?
7:01 PM – After Hightower gains a short amount of yards to make it third and three, the Panthers get hit with a foolish penalty after the play as Richard Marshall shoves Early Doucet in the face, snapping his head back. What an idiot. Thanks for the gift.
7:03 PM – After the Cardinals’ drive stalls at the 32, Neil Rackers calmly boots a 49 yard field goal to extend the Cardinals’ lead 17-7.
7:06 PM – Sign seen in the stands: “Cats eat Birds on Fox.” Hmm.
7:08 PM – Another sign in the stands, held by one of a pair of Cards fans – “We spent our college savings to see the Cardinals beat the Panthers.” That’s more like it. By the way, the Cardinals are 0-5 in the Eastern Time Zone this season. Fox forgot to mention it in the last ten minutes.
7:11 PM – The Cardinals defense is really playing well. This drive for the Panthers started at first and five. It ended at fourth and seven, complete with a blocked pass on third down.
7:15 PM – The clock reads 8:53 left in the second quarter, and Larry Fitzgerald is already over 100 yards receiving after yet another long pass reception. He has four catches for 105 yards.
7:16 PM – Did you know that on defense, you can’t let Larry Fitzgerald get open if you want to win? Thanks for pointing that out to us, Tony Siragusa. On the next play, Fitzgerald makes another catch in double coverage for a 17 yard gain.
7:19 PM – As the Cardinals line up for their third and one line plunge that Terrelle Smith fails to convert, FOX reminds us that the Cardinals blew a 14 point lead in Carolina earlier this season. I know how Red Sox fans felt during FOX’s coverage of the 2004 ALCS Game 7.
7:20 PM – Neil Rackers comes out to kick another field goal. Daryl “Moose” Johnston thinks the Cards should go for it and start to put the game out of reach, since they have all the momentum right now. Tony Siragusa agrees with the field goal call, stating that if the Cards go for it and fail, then the Panthers will gain all of the momentum and the Cards will lose all confidence. Moose’s response, “Nah, cause now it’ll be 21-20 really quick.” Does Moose remember that the Cardinals faked a field goal and failed against the Panthers earlier this year in this exact same stadium, and that it was a huge factor in the Cardinals’ loss? Rackers easily makes the kick.
7:23 PM – Neil Rackers makes the tackle on the kickoff. That kicker is a FOOTBALL PLAYER.
7:24 PM – First and ten from the 38 for the Panthers. Delhomme throws a pass over the middle to Musin Muhammed that is INTERCEPTED BY GERALD HAYES AT THE 50!!!! What a half! First and ten Cardinals from the 44!
7:25 PM – Talk about momentum! Hightower immediately runs the ball for 14 yards and a first down!
7:26 PM – After we get reminded once again that the Cardinals only won three games outside of their division and that the Panthers are 8-0 at home this season, Warner hits Fitzgerald with a 29-yard touchdown catch and run, culminated with Larry diving and stretching for the touchdown at the corner of the end zone. The Panthers simply cannot stop Larry Fitzgerald. And Moose Johnston admits to Tony Siragusa that his “field goal call is looking pretty sweet right now.” Rackers’ extra point is good and the Cardinals are up 27-7.
7:28 PM – Kenny Albert informs us that the last time the Cardinals played a playoff game on the road was ten years ago to the day – January 10, 1999 in the Metrodome against the Minnesota Vikings. Larry Fitzgerald was a 15-year-old ballboy on the sidelines for the Vikings.
7:30 PM – Great sign that everything is going the Cardinals’ way: Delhomme got wrapped up and sacked by four Cardinals. The scary part is that the Cardinals only rushed four men.
7:31 PM – On a long bomb attempt to Steve Smith in double coverage that was underthrown, Dominique Rogers-Cromartie leaps into the air and nearly intercepts the ball. Johnston says that Smith “has to catch this ball.” How, may I ask, was he to do that in double coverage? He’s not Larry Fitzgerald.
7:38 PM – As J.J. Arrington was lying on the ground, Jon Beason tried to light up Arrington late. He misses, and his teammate Landon Johnson pays the price. It snapped his head back. He looks like he is seriously injured. I hope two things: that Johnson will be okay, and that Beason learned his lesson not to do that anymore. The play was OVER. Johnson is being carted off the field as Fox shows us that Larry Fitzgerald has six catches for 151 yards and a touchdown, while Steve Smith has yet to catch the ball.
7:46 PM – After Arrington catches and runs the ball to the Panthers’ 35, the Cardinals use their final timeout with five seconds left to bring Rackers out to attempt a 53 yard field goal. The kick was lined up nicely, but fell just short. The Cardinals lead 27-7 at halftime. Frank Caliendo, Jimmy Johnson, Michael Strahan, Howie Long, and Terry Bradshaw all look like geniuses, don’t they?
7:52 PM – Michael Strahan talks about the fact that Larry Fitzgerald is lighting up the Panthers despite the fact that the Panthers are double teaming him. Translation: Larry Fitzgerald is really REALLY good. Strahan compares Fitzgerald to Michael Jordan. Jimmy Johnson talks about the Cardinals’ forcing all of the turnovers. Howie Long compliments Cards Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley’s gameplan. Terry Bradshaw: “Congratulations, Cardinals, on an AWESOME first half.”
8:02 PM – Daryl Johnston warns us that we could see a terrible second half from the Cardinals and that the Panthers could still win the game. Come ON. Enough already! The Cardinals are good! Admit it!
8:06 PM – The Cardinals have driven the opening possession of the second half to midfield. Kenny Albert mentions yet again – in case we have forgotten – that the Cardinals are 0-5 this season in the Eastern Time Zone, and then states, “And I’ll bet they’re tired of hearing about it.” So are we. Leave it alone already.
8:06 PM, Part Two – Kenny Albert then stated that the difference between those games and this game is that all of the previous five started at 1 PM Eastern and this one started at 8 PM Eastern. That’d be a great point if it weren’t for the fact that the Thanksgiving game against the Eagles ALSO STARTED AT 8 PM EASTERN TIME. Earlier in the game, he said that the Panthers game in the regular season was the only game in the Eastern Time Zone where the Cardinals were competitive. He apparently didn’t watch the Redskins game, which the Cardinals lost by only a touchdown in a game marred by two bad calls that severely crippled the Cardinals – the phantom delay of game that took a touchdown off of the board, and the no-call pass interference that allowed the Redskins interception that set up their game winning touchdown. Do Fox announcers ever do their homework?
8:27 PM – Neil Rackers kicks a 33 yard field goal to give the Cards a 30-7 lead. The first commercial is another stupid whiteboard UPS commercial. Is that a lousy gimmick or what? I am so tired of those commercials and that goofy-looking guy who needs a major haircut. Plus, anything that UPS or FedEx does, the United States Postal Service can do better and for less money.
8:30 PM – In yet another attempt to hex the Cardinals and anger their fans, Fox shows the “Largest Postseason Deficit Ever Overcome” graphic reminding us of the Bills’ 32-point comeback against the Oilers.
8:31 PM – In a sad make-up attempt, Kenny Albert tells us that the Panthers have never overcome a 17-point deficit or greater in team history. Moose then says, “The Cardinals haven’t won in the Eastern Time Zone this season, either.” (Rolls eyes.)
8:35 PM – After the Panthers miserably fall on fourth and six, it is quite obvious that the Panthers are just not on the same page on offense. And with less than three minutes left in the third quarter, Steve Smith still has not caught a ball.
8:39 PM – With 44 seconds left in the third quarter, Steve Smith finally catches his first ball of the game for a 35 yard game. Moose Johnston: “He’s gonna have to get the ball more if the Panthers want a chance to win this game.” The only chance they would have at winning this game is if it were a Madden game and the Panthers’ coach hit the Reset button.
8:42 PM – The Punt, Pass, and Kick National Champions are recognized. I think each one of them would have outperformed Jake Delhomme tonight.
8:43 PM – As Fox tries to convince us that the Cardinals’ lead isn’t safe, DeAngelo Williams runs inside the 20 for another first down. Two plays later, Ralph Brown picks Delhomme off in the end zone. Happy birthday, Jake. You’ve just thrown your fourth interception.
8:49 PM – Sign in stands held by a Cardinals fan (called an “Eagles fan” by the brilliant Kenny Albert): “NFC Championship, Our House, NeXt Week.” “F-O-X” is lined up vertically and in red. I hope the Eagles win, too.
8:54 PM – TE Steven Spach is carted off the field. I hope he heals quickly. We’ll need him next week.
8:58 PM – Delhomme must be tipping off his throws. Dominique Rogers-Cromartie nearly intercepted Delhomme on first down, and then on the next play, Roderick Hood jumped a route and DID intercept the ball. Jake Delhomme has now thrown five interceptions and fumbled once for six turnovers. Happy birthday, Jake.
9:00 PM – Have any of us forgotten yet that the Cardinals were 0-5 in the Eastern Time Zone this season? Fox just reminded us again just in case. They also are starting to mention that the Cardinals are the only NFC Team that has never been to the NFC Championship Game.
9:06 PM – As the Cardinals keep the ball on the ground and bleed the clock, the Panthers are calling timeouts. There are still 6 minutes left in the game. Is the game in the bag? Check.
9:07 PM – Hightower runs for a 17-yard gain and a first down on third and nine. He gets shoved out of bounds at the Panthers’ 7. Is the game in the bag? Check.
9:10 PM – As Hightower runs the ball to the 3 on third and goal, the cheers sound like it’s at a high school football game. I think most everyone has gone home by now. Here comes Rackers to kick his fourth field goal.
9:11 PM – After a timeout, Rackers nails the 20 yard attempt to put the Cardinals up 33-7.
9:12 PM – The 33 points scored by the Cardinals today are the most in their playoff history.
9:18 PM – Reality is now starting to set it. The Cardinals are going to the NFC Championship Game! THE CARDINALS ARE GOING TO THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! Meanwhile, Karlos Dansby nearly intercepts Delhomme in the end zone yet again.
9:19 PM – As the Panthers are moving the ball during Garbage Time, the camera does a wide shot of the whole stadium. MAYBE there are 1000 people left in the stands. MAYBE. And there are some happy dudes on the Arizona sideline.
9:21 PM – The Fox announcers are starting to compliment the Cardinals in every way that they can. How does that crow taste, gentlemen?
9:22 PM – Steve Smith finally scores a touchdown on his second reception of the game from eight yards out. The touchdown is completely meaningless, but it’s still a touchdown. The two point conversion pass is dropped by DeAngelo Williams.
9:25 PM – After Larry Fitzgerald recovers the onside kick attempt, the Warner takes a knee and run the clock out. This game is dedicated to all of the doubters nationwide, who can all go and enjoy their hot, steaming, heaping servings of crow.
9:26 PM – Larry Fitzgerald caught 8 balls tonight for 166 yards and a touchdown. Player of the game for sure.
9:27 PM – FINALLY! The Cardinals are in the NFC Championship, where they will meet the winner of the Giants and Eagles. I cannot contain my excitement!
Thank you to Fox for wonderful coverage of this g-… sorry, I just can’t say it. Lousy coverage. Red Sox fans, I see why you are so sick of Fox. How many times do they have to try to hex the historically snakebit team?
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