These Still Hurt

The Arizona Sports Fanatic recaps his most painful experiences as a fan.

This past Tuesday I met someone from Illinois, and when I met him, he was wearing a navy blue University of Illinois polo shirt. I jokingly said, “I don’t know if I can shake your hand while you’re wearing that Illinois shirt. I went to the University of Arizona.” He laughed and nodded. I then put my head down and said, “Yes, I’m still bitter about ‘05.”

As the day went on I thought about the other losses that I’m still bitter about. The losses that still induce groans of pain every time they’re mentioned. The losses that still – after years – sting. Here is a list of them. (Warning: By the end, fans of the teams who suffered these losses might need to avoid high bridges.)

(Note: These are all personal memories; these are the worst losses of MY LIFETIME as a sports fan. I did not begin watching sports until 1988. That is why Game 5 of the 1976 NBA Finals, among other painful losses suffered by my favorite teams prior to 1988, is not listed.)

HONORABLE MENTION
NCAA Basketball Tournament, First Round: March 20, 1992 – East Tennessee State 87, #10 Arizona 80
The first of several first round flameouts by the Wildcats in my lifetime.

NCAA Basketball Tournament, First Round: March 18, 1993 – Santa Clara 64, #5 Arizona 61
The second consecutive first round flameout by the Cats. A then-relatively unknown freshman point guard from Canada named Steve Nash (right) had a lot to do with the Wildcats’ losing. This was his breakout game. (Ironically, Nash is now my favorite active player and my #2 favorite basketball player of all-time behind The Great Kevin Johnson. Go KJ!!!) It made me mad the day after the game when I found out that reporters at the scorer’s table were saying, “Remember East Tennessee State?” over and over again to Wildcats players during the game and while subs were waiting at the table to be let into the game.

Game Four, 2001 World Series: October 31, 2001 – New York Yankees 4, Arizona Diamondbacks 3
Game Five, 2001 World Series: November 1, 2001 – Yankees 3, Diamondbacks 2
These took Honorable Mention because my blood still boils thinking about these games, but they aren't as painful as they could have been because the Diamondbacks did eventually win the World Series. But these games made people think that the Series was closer than it really was – after all, throughout the Series, it was quite obvious that the Diamondbacks were the better team. But still – Byung Hyun-Kim – who was SO CLUTCH throughout the season and was on the mound when the D-Backs clinched the pennant – left one over the middle of the plate, Tino Martinez swung (right), the ball was gone, then an inning later, Derek Jeter hit a homerun just after midnight . . . . Dangit. I just threw up in my mouth. One night later. It couldn’t happen again, right? They wouldn’t waste a beautiful BEAUTIFUL starting effort by Miguel Batista, would they? Kim can’t blow saves on consecutive nights! Well, he did. Thank you, Scott Brosius (left). I’m not even thinking clearly right now. Maybe it really isn’t good to open old wounds.

Now, for the real list. (Those Honorable Mention games really hurt to type. I may regret writing this post!)

11. 1990 Western Conference Finals Game 2: May 23, 1990 – Portland Trail Blazers 108, Phoenix Suns 107 (OT)
I almost didn’t include this one. I had the list at 10. But I had to make it 11 so I could include this one. It was my first experience (of many) of true playoff heartbreak from the Suns. Not just a loss in the playoffs, but one whose scars remain for years. I was a 10-year-old fourth grader. It was a Wednesday night. We went to church and taped the game. We came home and watched it. The Suns were up by 22 points at one point of the game! Yes! A perfect counterpunch after that two-point gut-wrenching loss in Game 1! To whip a team on the road like this? Awesome! Then all of a sudden the Blazers woke up. The Suns blew the lead. The game went to overtime. And the Suns lost by 1. Ouch. OUCH. The next day at school, my friend and classmate Kevin McQuade kept seething, “One point. ONE POINT!” The words still ring in my ears to this day. As a final summation of how painful this loss was, in the Arizona Republic the next day, the political cartoon (for the entire paper, mind you) showed a guy watching TV. The sound coming from the TV said this: “The Suns are up by 62 points with 1 minute remaining. It’s still anybody’s game!”

10. October 16, 2006 – Chicago Bears 24, Arizona Cardinals 23 This one was so bad that it left me pacing the house for twenty minutes talking to myself. My wife and I had only been married for just over four months at this point, and this was her first experience of my painful life as a sports fanatic. She actually had to calm me down so I could go to bed. I think I slept three hours that night.

The Cardinals had been losing close games all season. They were playing the undefeated, NFC-leading Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football at home. The Cards had a great gameplan, exposing – and capitalizing on – every Bears weakness (their main weakness was that Rex Grossman was their QB) en route to a 20-0 halftime lead. As the third quarter wound down, the Cards took a 23-3 lead.

Then it started. Self-destruct mode kicked in. Someone forgot to block Bears DE Mark Anderson, who blindsided Matt Leinart at the Cards’ 3 yard line. Leinart fumbled; Mike Brown scooped it up and ran it the short three yards into the end zone, and it was 23-10 going into the fourth quarter.

Late in the fourth, after un-clutch Bears QB Rex Grossman threw his fourth interception of the night, Edgerrin James tried to punch the ball past the first down marker to keep running the clock and keep the drive alive. But no one blocked Brian Urlacher. HOW CAN YOU NOT BLOCK THE BEST LINEBACKER IN THE NFL?!???? OR NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO BLOCK HIM?!??? Urlacher stripped the ball out of Edge’s hands, Charles Tillman grabbed the ball, and then rumbled 40 yards for another TD. 23-17 Cards, five minutes left.

Then the Cardinals’ offense – who suddenly grew completely inept – went three-and-out, and Devin Hester returned the punt past a stunned Cardinals punt unit for ANOTHER TD and the Bears led 24-23.

Then Leinart calmly drove the Cardinals into range for a game-winning field goal, which Neil Rackers – Mr. Automatic from the previous season, but who had missed an insanely long field goal the previous week against the Chiefs that would have sent the game into overtime – came out to attempt with 51 seconds left. This one was very makeable from 41. And, of course, he missed it. When the game ended and the teams left the field, the fans chanted, “Same old Cardinals!” Seriously, the Cardinals had scouted the Bears perfectly. After all, “THEY WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!!” They just failed to execute in the fourth quarter, which prompted this classic post-game tirade from then-Cardinals Head Coach Dennis Green (right). I need to take a break from writing for a few minutes so I can calm down.

9. 1999 NHL Western Conference Quarterfinals
Game Five: Friday, April 30, 1999 – St. Louis Blues 2, Phoenix Coyotes 1 (OT)
Game Seven: Tuesday, May 4, 1999 – St. Louis Blues 1, Phoenix Coyotes 0 (OT)
Arrrrrgh. I included both of these games as #9 not only because both were overtime games that the Coyotes EASILY could have won – SHOULD have won – but also because had they won either game – EITHER ONE!!!!!!!!!!! – they would have won that playoff series and advanced to the Semifinals against their hated divisional rivals, the Dallas Stars. The Coyotes had TONS of momentum going into Game Five. They had won Game Two at home in overtime, took Games Three and Four on the road by one goal each, and returned home with a 3-1 series lead, needing to win just one game out of the final three, with two of them at home. They took an early 1-0 lead in Game Five that held through the first and second periods. However, the forwards kept failing to cash in on their scoring opportunities. But, goalie Nikolai Khabibulin was playing VERY well, and it was looking like the 1-0 lead would be enough . . . until St. Louis Defenseman/Slap Shot master Al MacInnis (right) uncorked his patented 100 mph slapper on a power play that beat Khabibulin midway through the third period. Then, in OT, the Coyotes failed on their power play opportunity. Shortly after the PP ended, stinkin Scott Young beat Khabibulin to give the Blues a come-from-behind victory, and momentum. Then the Coyotes played like garbage in Game Six and came home for Game Seven, with Coach Jim Schoenfeld guaranteeing victory. Injured Center and Assistant Captain Jeremy Roenick returned from his jaw injury (thank you thug Derian Hatcher, I still hate you and will until my dying day). The Coyotes didn’t cash in on the emotional return, the fans were AWFUL, Khabibulin’s great goaltending was wasted, and Stinkin' Pierre Turgeon scored at the tail end of OT to put the Blues into the semis and keep the Coyotes from winning their first postseason series since 1988. They still have yet to win one since 1988.

8. August 28, 1999 – Penn State 41, Arizona 7
I’m angry about this one already, and I haven’t even finished the first sentence of my thoughts. The main reason this one isn’t ranked higher is because it was in the regular season, but this game was the turning point of the Arizona Wildcats football program. Fresh off of a 12-1 season, capped with a thrilling 23-20 victory over Nebraska in the Holiday Bowl, the Wildcats were bringing back most of their starters – except for All-American CB Chris McAlister. However, most people felt that the team’s depth would make up for his graduation, and the ‘Cats entered 1999 as the preseason #4 (and Sports Illustrated’s #1), and heavy favorites to win the Pac-10 and play in the program’s first ever Rose Bowl. I was a transfer student beginning my sophomore year at the U of A that fall and was excited about football season. I had my season tickets on the 45 yard line, in the 15th row – life was good.

Then the Arizona Athletic Department got greedy and scheduled a nationally televised season-opener. In the Pigskin Classic. Against #3 Penn State. On the road. At Beaver Stadium. In Happy Valley. In front of the largest crowd the Wildcats have ever played before – 97,168. The game started with Penn State scoring a touchdown on the opening drive. Then the Wildcats took the ball and started moving it with a bang. They got into field goal range quickly. I was watching the game in my Tucson apartment and thinking, “OK, this is gonna be a shootout. Cool.” Then the Cats just missed moving the chains on a second down play, and got cute on third down instead of playing it safe and just pounding the ball for a first down. Keith Smith got sacked, sprained his ankle, and told no one. Then the hold on the field goal attempt was horrible, Mark McDonald – who made three field goals in the previous year’s Holiday Bowl – missed the kick by a huge margin, Penn State scored a touchdown on the ensuing drive – and the rout was on. Next thing I know, it’s 31-0 at halftime, the final score is 41-7, and the football program went into a downward spiral that they still haven’t recovered from.

The team was shell-shocked for the rest of the season, losing game after game against less talented teams. Smith played (below his ability, of course) on an injured ankle all year, and didn’t tell anyone about his injury until after the season was over. All-Pac-10 kicker Mark McDonald went into one of the most unbelievable funks I’ve ever seen a kicker go into, missing field goals like they were going out of style, including one against Oregon that cost the team a bowl game. The Cats finished the year 6-6, missing a bowl game for the first of what is now nine consecutive years. After the following year, the winningest coach in school history – Dick Tomey – left, John Mackovic succeeded him, destroyed the program, and Mike Stoops is still trying to clean up the mess. (Excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall for ten minutes.)

7a. September 26, 1998 – Hurricane Georges
This hurricane (right) postponed the seemingly meaningless UCLA-Miami game until December 5. UCLA was undefeated, playing well, and finishing its tuneup for the Pac-10 season, while Miami was a mess and couldn’t have beaten Coral Gables High School on that weekend. Little did we know how fateful this hurricane would be. . .
7b. October 10, 1998 – UCLA 52, Arizona 28
Arizona played their hearts out and led the #3 Bruins, 28-24, with 6:15 left in the third quarter. Then, they forgot how to play football, giving up 28 unanswered points to lose, 52-28. But, since UCLA was rolling through the season, the Bruins ended the Pac-10 season undefeated and ranked #1 in the country. The Wildcats were within sight of the Rose Bowl anyway! All UCLA needed to do was beat the Miami Hurricanes in a very winnable makeup game on the road. . .
7c. December 5, 1998 – Miami 49, UCLA 45
. . .And of course, UCLA “fumbled” (MELSBY WAS DOWN, DANGIT!) while running the clock out, Edgerrin James (remember him from #10???) scored a touchdown for Miami with 50 seconds left, and UCLA lost the game.

These three events combined to keep my beloved Wildcats out of the Rose Bowl. They still have never been to the Rose Bowl. They’re the only Pac-10 OR Big Ten team to never play in the Rose Bowl game. ASU fans love to remind me of this fact. The odd thing is – had Arizona beaten UCLA, they still wouldn’t have gone to the Rose Bowl, because they would have made the Fiesta Bowl, which was the National Championship Game that year. And they very easily could have beaten Tennessee. To think that two hurricanes (Georges and Miami (right)) kept the Cats out of the Rose Bowl. . . (Punches hole in wall)

6. 2008 NBA Western Conference Quarterfinals Game One: April 19, 2008 – San Antonio Spurs 117, Phoenix Suns 115 (2OT)
These are getting more and more painful to write about. The Suns were up by as much as 16 points. They led by six going into the fourth. They were up 93-90 with just over a minute left. Then they grew stupid, at one point getting a shot clock violation with a three point lead. Of course, with 15 seconds left, Spurs forward (and former Sun) Michael Finley caught a pass and found himself WIDE OPEN behind the three-point line. I yelled, “NO!!!!!!!!” which of course meant that the shot would go in – which it did. Suns failed to convert on the other end. OT. Suns get off to a great start in OT. I’m getting happy. Then my TiVo runs out because I didn’t add enough time, so I didn’t see the rest of the game. I called my brother to ask what happened. Tim Duncan – TIM DUNCAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – had made a miraculous game-tying three-pointer (right) with three seconds left in the overtime. On the other end, the Suns missed, and then went to double overtime. With 15 seconds left in the second overtime, Nash made a sweet three-pointer while falling out-of-bounds in the corner. But, of course, Manu Ginobili (I HATE THAT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) made a layup with 1.5 seconds left to win the game for the @#$% Spurs. As an added insult, this game was the day after my grandfather's funeral. (I have a headache now. Excuse me while I go take an Excedrin.)

5. 1995 NBA Western Conference Semifinals Game Seven: May 20, 1995 – Houston Rockets 115, Phoenix Suns 114
This one was, plain and simple, a combination of a dagger to the heart and a kick to the crotch. The Suns were up 3 games to 1 over their conqueror from the previous year, with two of their final three games at home. The season already had a sour taste with Danny Manning being sidelined for the year back in February after colliding (DURING PRACTICE, FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!) with Joe Kleine. The Suns were up 10 in the fourth quarter and things were looking great. They were up two with less than ten seconds left! Kevin Johnson – my favorite NBA player – had scored 46 points and was on his way to being a hero. Bring on the Spurs! (The Spurs, at that time, had not defeated the Suns in a postseason series yet.) Then, with 7.1 seconds left, Mario Elie (right) was open in the corner. And he shot a three. And I, along with my mom, dad, and brother shouted, “NO!” The last time we shouted “NO!” as an opponent shot a three during a playoff basketball game -- I’ll mention that one later. But Elie’s shot, of course, went in to put the Rockets up 115-114. Then he blew a kiss to the stunned Phoenix crowd. That made me absolutely HATE him. And the Suns failed to convert on the other end. And the Rockets went on to beat the Spurs and then the Magic and win the NBA title for the second straight year, while a more talented Suns team was left holding the bag AGAIN. (I will now go jump in a lake while holding two fifty pound bags of cement.)

4. 2001 NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament Championship Game: April 2, 2001 – Duke 82, Arizona 72
Now we’re getting personal. Duke is a curse word in my house, and this game has a lot to do with it. All during the two days leading up to this game, we kept hearing how great Duke was over and over and over again. Shane Battier this. Duke Head Coach Mike Kruahcjkxhzfjdshski that. Mike Dunleavy Jr. this. Jason Williams that. Blah blah blah. And this was just from Dukie – I’m sorry – Dick Vitale, so imagine how the rest of the national sports media acted. Apparently Scott Thornley, Frankie Bordeaux, and Ed Corbett – the game’s officiating crew – listened, because they let Jason Williams push off before passing or shooting on seven – yes, SEVEN – separate occasions in the first half. Arizona Head Coach (legendary Head Coach, might I add) Lute Olson said after the game that Jason Williams "should have fouled out twice." (Well put, Coach.) The officiating was so bad that after one particularly head-scratching no-call where Luke Walton got clobbered on the forearm from behind on a breakaway layup attempt, Duke’s head coach Mike K. actually went over to one of the officials and told him, “Hey, let’s clean those fouls up.” Let me reiterate that. THE COACH OF THE TEAM WHO GOT AWAY WITH ONE ACTUALLY TOLD THE OFFICIALS TO STOP LETTING HIS TEAM GET AWAY WITH SO MUCH. How often does that happen in a game? The officiating was so awful that ESPN even ran an article about it. Loren Woods was playing like a man possessed, blocking four shots on that night, scoring 22 points, and grabbing 11 rebounds. In the second half, Shane Battier was sitting on the bench resting, meaning that literally no Duke player could guard the 7'1" Loren Woods, yet the Wildcats DID NOT GIVE WOODS THE BALL ON OFFENSE!!!! To make matters worse, an ugly (I mean UUUUUUUUUUUGLY), skinny, awkward, goofy-looking white kid who got where he was simply because his DAD is an NBA coach – yes, I’m talking about Mike Dunleavy Jr. (pictured at right, #34) – swung momentum back in Duke’s favor with 3 consecutive 3-pointers during an 11-2 second half run. And the dagger in the heart of the Wildcats at the end of the game? Jason Williams – who should have fouled out already, for crying out loud – making a three-pointer at the top of the circle. Man I hate Duke. I will now go put an ice pick through my hand.
(Note: As an added insult, this game was played less than a month after my grandma died and three months and one day before my dad was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him two years later. Not a good time in my life.)

3a. 2007 Western Conference Semifinals
Game 1: May 6, 2007 – San Antonio Spurs 111, Phoenix Suns 106
Game One: Nash gets a bloody nose (right) from a collision with that blasted Tony Parker. Nash can’t continue to play because the Suns’ training staff – the best in sports – couldn’t stop the bleeding. Had Nash not left the game, I highly doubt the Suns would have lost that game. Most of the NBA world agrees.
3b. Game 3: May 12, 2007 – Spurs 108, Suns 101
This game was without a doubt the most poorly officiated game of that playoffs. Then after the season ended we found out that the game wasn’t even on the level, which explained so much from that game. The Suns had a ten-point lead in the second quarter, but then strange things started happening. Questionable calls occurred time and time again that went against the Suns, including one where Bruce Bowen intentionally kneed Steve Nash in the crotch (right) but wasn’t ejected or suspended. There is no word in our language that accurately describes how I feel about Bruce Bowen and how I felt about the NBA after this game. But again, this game wasn’t on the level. As most of you know by now, disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy (right) was one of the officials assigned to that game. (The NBA claims that they knew he was being investigated by the FBI for game-fixing, point-shaving, and such. Sounds great, NBA, but if that is true, THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM A PLAYOFF GAME?!???) Of course, the Suns lost by seven and went down two games to one.
3c. Game 5: May 16, 2007 – Spurs 88, Suns 85
This game followed the infamous decree made by the NBA that gave the Spurs the series. That Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw were suspended for one game each for leaving the bench after Robert Horry tried to knock Steve Nash out of the playoffs with an absolutely dirty foul in front of the scorer’s table. (Right and below right) Never mind that earlier in the game Tim Duncan and Bruce Bowen both left the bench and came out onto the court when Francisco Elson got up ready to fight James Jones after being accidentally undercut. Since Jones was the bigger man and walked away, the incident “wasn’t an altercation,” which meant that the NBA suspended two Suns players for leaving the bench but didn’t do the same thing when two Spurs players left the bench. So the Suns played Game Five while severely undermanned (Diaw and Stoudemire were both starters), jumped out to a huge first-half lead, ran out of gas in the second half, and lost the game by three. The man who made the winning shot was Bruce Bowen (also known in some areas of Arizona as “@#^#%&^@*&!!!!”), who shouldn’t have even been playing anyway. After that heartbreaker, there was no way the Suns were winning Game Six on the road. (And of course, they didn’t.) (Excuse me while I go jump out a window.)

2. 2005 NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament
Midwest Regional Final: March 26, 2005 – Illinois 90, Arizona 89 (OT)
I’ve returned from jumping out of a window to write about this one, which is the game that prompted this column in the first place. It is three years later and I am still not over this game. I doubt I will ever get over this game. I did not sleep well for two weeks after this game. Arizona had a 15 point lead with four minutes left and a trip to the Final Four on the line. Then Illinois started making everything, Arizona freaked out, and to make it worse, Doug Shows, Randy McCall, and Robert Donato forgot how to call fouls -- especially when Illinois players were setting illegal screens left and right! They were like fullbacks throwing running lead blocks! The inept officials also apparently felt that it’s okay for an Illinois player to RAKE CHANNING FRYE ACROSS THE FACE. ACROSS THE FACE!!!! Channing Frye (pictured at right; the Illinois player is about to throw him to the ground, and, of course, no foul was called) left the game -- the final one of his great college career -- feeling like he had just gone through a prize fight. One of the CBS announcers said during the tail end of the second half, after an Arizona player was mauled during a missed layup attempt, "You need a helmet and shoulder pads out there right now." On the final play of the second half, Freshman Jawann McClelland missed a wide-open potential game-winner, overtime showed up, Illinois was up a point in the final seconds of OT with Arizona having a chance to win, and Hassan Adams’ three-pointer at the buzzer clanged out. Hang on a minute, I feel dizzy. . . (WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [That sound was the sound of the Arizona Sports Fanatic’s head whacking the desk after he blacked out from too much blood to the brain.] (Whoa. I think my blood pressure is at an unhealthily high level right now.)

1. 1993 NBA Finals Game Six: June 20, 1993 – Chicago Bulls 99, Phoenix Suns 98 This game was the only game that I ever cried at the end of. I was 13. My favorite team was playing for the championship! They were up 98-96 and about to send the Finals to Game Seven! Of course, they should have been up by FOUR, but earlier in the game the officials incorrectly ruled that Danny Ainge’s foot was on the three-point arc when it really wasn’t, giving him a two instead of a three. Back to the game. Somebody left Bulls sniper John Paxson (right) wide open for a three. Paxson caught the ball. My mom, dad, brother, and I yelled, “NO!!!!!!!!!!!” Paxson shot . . . the ball seemed to hang in the air forever. . . and . . . swish. Dagger. Pain. Torture. Suffering. There were 5.1 seconds left for the Suns to go down and win the game. KJ took a jumper from just beyond the free throw line. That ugly, overrated, goofy-looking fool Horace Grant blocked the shot. But what people rarely point out is that HIS ELBOW CRACKED KJ IN THE FOREHEAD! It’s plain to see. Look at any replay. Oliver Miller caught the ball and threw up a desperation three that came nowhere close to going in . . . and that was it. The Bulls three-peated, and the Suns . . . (shakes head) They haven’t been back to the Finals yet. I cried for 20 minutes . . . or maybe it was 30 . . . heck, I can’t remember – it could have been an hour for all I know. Time stood still for me after that game ended. I . . . I don’t know. The last two games left me asking why God hated my favorite teams so much.

Thus ends a painful journey down Nightmare – er, Memory Lane. I hope that no games get added to this list, but I know it’s bound to happen. For every high point (1997 Arizona Wildcats men’s basketball, 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks) there seems to be six low points. I am seriously convinced that Suns fans need sports fan therapy. I know I do. Buffalo, Cleveland, and San Diego, I feel sorry for y’all. I really do. In many ways, I know what you’re going through. (Now I will go put flaming hot coals on my knuckles.)

What the heck has happened?

It's July 1st. We're hitting the midway point of the baseball season, and the Arizona Diamondbacks officially hit the skids several weeks ago. The WHEELS have come off. How can a team that started the season by going 20-8 now be 42-41? What has happened to the offense? Why can't they hit the ball? What's happened to the bullpen? Why do they have such a hard time holding leads?

I at least take solace in the fact that after the All-Star break, the Diamondbacks will start playing divisional opponents again. At that point they can beat up on their own weak division, pad their record, and then start playing against the better teams again.

Go Diamondbacks. Quit blowing winnable games.

2008 Euro Final Running Diary

The Arizona Sports Fanatic has had a lousy last two months as a fan, but that all has been cured by the Euro.

And I’m back from my just-over-two-month hiatus from posting. During that time, my beloved Suns got eliminated by THEM again, the Diamondbacks’ wheels have come off, the Arizona Wildcats softball team got eliminated from the Women’s College World Series, the Arizona Wildcats baseball team twice blew opportunities to go to the College World Series (guys, it is legal to get a hit WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION!!!!!), and a great soccer tournament has been going on in Switzerland and Austria. Yes, I’m talking about the Euro – the European Championship Tournament, sponsored by the Union of European Football Associations (UEFA). This tournament is the second-biggest soccer tournament around, behind only the World Cup. Both tournaments only take place every four years. The World Cup occurs in the even-numbered years that aren’t leap years, and the Euro takes place in leap years.

This year’s tournament has been incredibly exciting. The final was yesterday, June 29, and it featured Spain and Germany. Since ABC lost the feed of the game during its LIVE coverage, I had to wait until this morning at 2:05 to see it. No way was I staying up (or getting up) to watch it, so I’m watching the TiVo tape of it. This is one of those championship games where the two teams that have consistently been playing the best during the tournament actually made the championship game. It’s a rare occurrence these days, especially in leagues that AREN’T rigged (yes, NBA, I’m talking to you!!!!). Without further ado, a running diary of the Euro Final. (Even you non-soccer fans might be entertained by this. It is the world’s most popular sport for a reason.)

Before opening kickoff – We are watching ABC’s live tape delayed coverage of the Euro 2008 Final from Ernst Happel Stadion in Vienna! Adrian Healey and former striker Andy Gray are the commentators. Both are Scotsmen. I love their accents. Furthermore, Andy Gray calls it how it is and doesn’t whitewash his feelings. He’s the best announcer in sports. He should be a commentator on every sporting event, whether it be soccer, basketball, baseball, volleyball, water polo, tennis, darts – I don’t care. He’s the best.

First Minute (1') – Spain kicks off, and the Thirteenth European Championship final is underway! We started qualification nearly two years ago with 57 teams, and now we’re down to two!

1', later – Spain gets a throw-in. The guy who takes the throw-in – Sergio Ramos – looks like a woman wearing a headband. Why do so many of these teams have players who look so effeminate?

2' – Adrian Healey informs us that Spain is in their first Euro Cup Final since 1984, when they
lost to France, and that Spain is seeking its first Euro Championship Cup since 1964. Wow. For those of you new to international soccer, Spain consistently has ridiculously talented teams that always choke. In the World Cup they usually do in either the Round of 16 or in the Quarterfinals. And it’s always done in glorious fashion. Meanwhile, Germany is playing in their 12th final. This is their sixth Euro final (they’ve won it three times), and they’ve also played in six World Cup final matches (they’ve won three). Andy Gray mentions that when playing Germany, you have to remember to play the guys in front of you, and not the shirts they’re wearing or the country they play for.

3' – Shot of Spain’s coach Luis Aragones (left), who looks old enough to have invented soccer.

4' – Germany has a chance but can’t get a shot off. Goal kick. After Spanish keeper extra ordinaire Iker Casillas boots a beautiful goal kick, Spain attacks the German net but is offside, followed by another German attack that goes over the endline for another Spanish goal kick.

8' – Germany’s Michael Ballack makes a beautiful move to get by Ramos and makes a dangerous-looking cross – right before getting clobbered – that falls harmlessly on the other side of the net. Spain then gets called for a foul on an aerial ball. Andy Gray (love his commentary!) says, “I’m not sure why that’s a foul.” Love it.

9' – Hitzelsperger (guess which country HE plays for) takes a VERY weak shot at the net that Casillas could have saved blindfolded. Easily kept out by a yawning Casillas.

10' – Found out that German keeper Jens Lehmann lost his starting spot on his club team (pro team to you Americans) to – ironically – a Spanish goalkeeper. And the German defenders are supposed to trust this guy? Did I mention he’s balding?

11' – First corner of the game, taken by Germany, is punched out by a leaping Casillas.

12' – Ramos takes an obvious dive after a minor collision and is awarded a free kick. Andy Gray: “Little generous. LITTLE generous. I thought it was just a minor bump.”

14' – Spain sets up a beautiful attack! One of their passes got deflected toward the goal by bearded German defender Christoph Metzelder, which forced Lehmann to make his first save of the game – and the first diving save by either keeper. The resulting Spanish corner goes nowhere. I promise, this game really is exciting even though there haven’t been any goals yet.

16' – ABC flashes a graphic stating that Spain has not lost a game since November 15, 2006. They have won 18 games and tied 3 since that date, featuring wins over England, France, Italy, and USA during that time.

17' – Silva for Spain takes a knee to the thigh and hits the deck. Free kick to Spain from WAYYYYYYYYYY out. Germany sets up the wall . . . and the shot curled in toward the net but right into Lehmann’s hands.

18' – After Spanish mega-star striker Fernando Torres blows yet another open opportunity to get a shot on goal, the replay shows a closeup of the ball. It’s silver! Cool!

19' – First of the required five close-ups of the referee. The officials are wearing turquoise shirts today. I like how soccer refs get to choose their shirt colors. The only other sport that allows that is baseball. Later, Torres gets kicked in the ankle by the sideline and crumples in a heap. The resulting free kick is headed harmlessly over the bar by a Spaniard. German goal kick.

22' – Sergio Ramos makes a beautiful chip-pass to Torres in the box that Torres leaps and beautifully heads toward the goal and past a diving Lehmann! BUT . . . it clangs off the post. So close. Torres seems snakebit! He cannot find the back of the net in this tournament!

24' – Germany started off in dominant fashion, but in the last ten minutes the ball has seemed to live in the German end of the field.

25' – Spoke too soon. Germany immediately counter-attacks and wins a corner that is immediately headed out by the Spanish.

26' – The Spanish counter-attack results in the token stupid play by Lehmann. He came to the top of the area and tried to show off his dribbling skills. An astute Spanish striker nearly pokes the ball away from Lehmann. That would have been EMBARRASSING.

27' – Adrian Healey makes his required plug for ESPN’s NASCAR coverage, talking about Saturday’s race in Richmond. Healey: “I know YOU saw that, Andy.” Gray: “Missed it. I was with my lady, who was spending my money in New York.”

29' – Torres bolts toward the German net, making every German nervous. Metzelder slides and pokes it over the end line. The resulting Spanish corner ends early after Spain commits a foul.

31' – As Fabregas blasts a shot that Lehmann falls and catches, I see on ESPN’s Bottom Line that the D-Backs led the Marlins 3-1 in the Eighth Inning. If they hang on, they’ll go to 43-40. They’ve had a DISASTROUS May and June. Back to soccer.

32' – Graphic: France is only team to ever go 3-0 in the Group Stage at the Euro and then win the championship, and this was in 1984. Spain this year went 3-0 in Group Play.

33' – A very optimistic pass to Torres up the middle gets near the penalty area . . . Lehmann comes out to try and stop it . . . Torres pokes it just past Lehmann . . . AND THE BOUNCING BALL GOES IN! 1-0 SPAIN! Healey: “Fernando Torres is almost the recipient – he IS the recipient! (Ball goes in) Torres has the Midas Touch, and it’s a Spanish treasure!” BEAUTIFUL play, wonderful announcing! Gray: “What a finish! And Madrid goes mad!”

35' – Spain’s David Silva has a WIDE OPEN opportunity to score that he sends into orbit. Talk about a SHANK!

36' – Michael Ballack has a cut above his eye. He is bleeding profusely. Holy cow! He goes off to get stitched up so he can return. I love this about soccer. The players will respond with, “Tis but a scratch” on a cut like that, yet they’ll fall to the ground like they’ve been shot after somebody brushes by them. Especially Italy.

38' – As the trainers continue to work on Ballack, they show a replay of King Juan Carlos II – who is attending the game – celebrating the goal.

39' – Ballack returns and immediately makes an impact on the play. But, he has running blood again and has to leave the field. This gives me horrific memories of Steve Nash in Game 1 of 2007 against the Spurs (left). I even think about that game during a soccer match. Do they have therapy for Suns fans?

41' – A German free kick is “quickly snuffed out” by the Spanish defense, in the words of Adrian Healey.

42' – After Michael Ballack dangerously clobbers yet another Spanish player, but doesn’t stop the Spanish attack, referee Roberto Rosetti (of Italy) blows the whistle for a foul. Gray: “Oh, LET IT GO REFEREE! PLEASE! And I’m surprised Ballack hasn’t been booked (shown the yellow card, a caution, two yellows = a red = an ejection = ejected player’s team playing a man down for the rest of the game) yet after six dangerous tackles now. What’s he doing?” Meanwhile, most of the Spanish team goes to let the referee know what they think of Ballack’s thuggery, and FINALLY Rosetti pulls out the yellow card and shows it to Ballack. Whoa, he also booked Casillas! I guess he and Ballack were arguing with each other too much? It looked to me like Casillas was trying to keep his players from slapping Ballack across the face a la Rick James on Dave Chappelle’s Show (left).

45' – Andy Gray names all of the German stars and says the word “What?” after every name. He’s saying that Germany isn’t all it’s cracked up to be right now and those guys haven’t done much this game. Yet another reason why he’s the best commentator in sports.

Halftime – Spain leads 1-0. I’m going to get some food.

Second Half Kickoff – And we’re back! Germany kicks off and the second half is underway. Germany makes what Andy Gray calls “a strange substitution when you’re down a goal” and then follows with, “but, Joachim Low is the boss, he’s the gaffer, and he’s paid to make these decisions.” Andy Gray should teach a class on sports announcing.

47' – A promising German attack is halted due to a player being offside. Andy Gray continues his earlier discussion by saying that Phillip Lamm (a star German defender) must be injured.

50' – After Torres’ attack is halted due to a German foul, Rosetti says it’s not a foul. Gray: “And a foul here . . . what? Oh. . . well, Rosetti has his qualifications, and he’s the referee . . .” Love it.

51' – In the same play, Carlos Marchena kicks a long pass to his teammate. His teammate is offside, so play is halted. Meanwhile, German striker Miroslav Klose is writhing in pain on the ground. The replay shows us why: Marchena’s follow-through caught Klose RIGHT IN THE CROTCH. His toe hit Klose square in the Mommy-Daddy button! OUCH! Oh man. Klose won’t get up for a while. Gray’s calm description: “He just got a whack on the follow-through there, as you can see. He should be okay.” Um, they had to DROP HIM ON HIS TAILBONE!!! He left the field, understandably. Gray: “He’s a little winded more than anything. That caught him in the midriff area.” Try again. IT CAUGHT HIM IN THE PILLS!

53' – Play continues with a great German attack followed by a swift Spanish counter-attack that ends with a shot going wide, followed by Lehmann’s required “get up and start yelling at someone” that goalies do after a near-miss.

54' – Healey mentions that Casillas hasn’t had much to do this game. Gray: “Except for maybe deal with a couple of crosses.”

58' – A Spanish attack ends when German Torsten Frings throws Andrés Iniesta to the ground. How was that not a yellow card? Andy Gray wonders the same thing.

59' – Michael Ballack finally gets a shot off, but it rockets just outside the post and hits the side netting. This is enough to bring German Chancellor Dr. Angela Merkel off her seat. She’s a huge soccer fan.

61' – Healey: “Thunderous midair collision there between Metzelder and Torres.”

62' – Germany played the ball onward even though Torres was still down and shaken up, infuriating the Spanish fans in attendance. Fortunately, Casillas punched a threatening chip pass away from danger.

63' – Who woke the Germans up? They’re playing like men possessed now! They’re attacking that Spanish goal with reckless abandon. Casillas still will not be beaten, though. Meanwhile, Spain subs Xabi Alonso for Fabregas.

64' – DUDE! A fight nearly breaks out! Germany’s Lukas Podolski hit the deck after a rather cheap foul by David Silva that the referee couldn’t see. Podolski got up into Silva’s face, then Silva headbutted him. But the referee couldn’t see that, either, due to being screened off! Meanwhile Ballack is going to every official and pleading for Silva to be tossed out of the game. (Zinedine Zidane (above, in white) is laughing at this, I bet.) Gray, angrily: “I wish Ballack would just go back and play. He’s over at the linesman trying to get a player sent off. If the referee sees it, fine, he should go off. . . . This game is just about to explode, any minute!” This is awesome!

65' – Germany follows with a really bad free kick that was about twelve feet wide.

66' – Boy, this game has become really chippy. There are reckless tackles and bodies flying everywhere. Spain subs Silva (the instigator of that last ruckus) with Santi Cazorla, which Gray calls “another sensible decision.” Gray also has continually maintained over the past few minutes that this “game is about to explode, any minute,” and “This game is NOT finishing at 1-0.” I’m thinking that the game may not finish with 11 players on the field for both teams. There’s trouble a-brewin’. . .

67' – A handball on Germany gives Spain a free kick from around 40 yards out. Michael Ballack and Christoph Metzelder each look like they’re about to murder someone with their bare hands right now. The Spanish free kick gets chipped high into the penalty area, where two Spanish players take off in a dead sprint toward the ball before any German moves. Uh, defense? Hello? Lehmann slaps Ramos’ header over the end line for a Spanish corner. Spain had two players onside and WIDE OPEN. Gray: “What is their marking doing? What are the Germans thinking of? Why don’t you just hand them a goal, lads?”

68' – The resulting corner gets shot toward the goal but off the post. Spain then puts another shot toward the net, but this time it’s on target, and Lehmann knocks it away from danger. King Juan Carlos II about leapt from his chair again there. The king apparently loves his fútbol.

70' – Ramos knocks Jensen flat on his can and gives Germany a free kick from the left side.

71' – The high, looping free kick gets punched to the middle of the field by Iker Casillas, who is starting to look bored.

72' – A Spaniard gets fouled by a German who looks like Buff Bagwell, complete with that stupid pencil-line beard.

73' – Ballack now looks focused. ABC flashes a graphic that in Euro 96, Germany was down 1-0 to the Czech Republic at this point in the game, only to score two unanswered goals and win in extra time. Also just saw the score at the bottom of the screen that the Marlins came back and beat the D-Backs 4-3.

74' – Fernando Torres and Per Mertesacker both jump for a high ball, colliding heads in the process. A few seconds later, the referee blows his whistle and then cautions Torres, which makes as much sense as it did for the Blazers to draft Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan. Gray: “I don’t wanna criticize the referee, but this is . . . if that was a free kick and a booking, then why did he not blow the whistle, Adrian, as soon as the incident happened? Why did he allow play to go on and then when he doesn’t get up – the defender – he then comes back and books him? (Replay of incident happens, showing absolutely nothing more than two guys jumping for the ball and smacking heads mid-air) I’m not sure about that, look. It’s a clash of heads. Right? Agreed?” Healey: “Yeah.” Gray: “Now, how is that a yellow card? Answer me that question.” Healey: “I didn’t see an elbow flying.” Gray: “It’s nonsense.” Adrian Healey and Andy Gray need to announce for the NBA and send all tapes to an independent investigator. (I’m not bitter, I’m just saying. . . Okay, yes I’m bitter and need therapy. Darn Spurs.)

76' – Torres ends up all alone in front of the net and shanks it, hitting a little dink shot that Lehmann easily scoops up. Andy Gray can’t believe that Torres blew that one. Healey brings up again that Spain has a reputation for being “tournament bunglers” and “constant underachievers.”

77' – Another Spanish attack results in a deflection out of bounds by a German defender and another Spanish corner kick, which is sent clear of danger quite quickly.

78' – Daniel Guïza replaces an exhausted Fernando Torres, who is less than 15 minutes away from being a national hero if this lead holds.

79' – Lehmann goes to the edge of the penalty area to punch a high ball clear, preventing a wide-open streaking Spaniard from adding to the lead. I’m not sure he was still in the area. He looked like he was outside of it to me, and Andy Gray agrees. (For you non-soccer fans, if a goalie handles the ball outside of the area, it’s an automatic red card. The team can bring in another goalie if they have a sub left, but an outfield player has to leave the field.) Andy’s incredulous. His voice got really high pitched while describing that one.

80' – Another Spanish attack results in a Lehmann save. The replay of the play from the 79' regarding Lehmann shows that he indeed handled the ball outside of the area.

82' – Spain has a TREMENDOUS opportunity to make it 2-0, but the ball bounces high, and Marcos Senna whiffs the kick, landing flat on his keister. If he connects with the ball AT ALL, it’s in the net and it’s 2-0.

84' – The ball is living next to the German goal right now. How will Germany even have a prayer to equalize if they don’t even put the ball into the Spanish end of the field? Casillas might be at the concession stand buying a bratwurst right now and we’d never know because the ball is nowhere near Spain’s end of the field. Heck, he might be across the street at the pub watching the game on TV for all we know.

87' – Germany finally gets on the attack. Interesting to note that 19 goals in this tournament have been scored after the 85'. Meanwhile, German fans look like deer frozen in the glare of headlights, while Spanish fans are dancing and jumping.

88' – Germany’s Kuranyi – the Buff Bagwell look-alike – clobbers Daniel Guïza and earns a yellow card. Desperation has definitely set in for Germany.

90' – Germany gets called for a foul in the Spanish penalty area. Schweinsteiger and Ballack go ballistic and try to surround the referee, who deftly turns his back and says nothing. Great officiating.

Stoppage time – Germany attacks the goal, but the cross goes wide. Spain counters, but the shot goes wide. Germany commits a foul at midfield. Spain plays the free kick to midfield and plays a little keep-away, until Germany earns a throw-in. Germany plays the ball forward, where Spanish defender Puyol leaps eight feet in the air and heads it away from danger. Spain clears the ball, and THERE’S THE WHISTLE! SPAIN WINS THEIR FIRST MAJOR TITLE IN 44 YEARS! What a game. I’m glad the better team won. The TV coverage switches to Madrid, where fireworks have turned the evening into daylight and Spaniards are going bananas. Germany, meanwhile is very gracious in defeat, while the Spanish team has gone to the Spanish area of the stands to whoop it up with their fans.

Oh the passion of soccer. I wish American sports had this. Oh wait, we have the World Series. Go Diamondbacks. Quit blowing games.

Congratulations, Spain. You deserved it. Winning every knockout game by shutout is mighty impressive. The next major soccer tournament? World Cup 2010, unless you count the 2009 Confederations Cup, which pits every continental champion plus the World Cup holder (Italy) in a tournament. More fun awaits . . .